Long, long overdue

These are the last beautiful days of fall, 2011.  The first frost has come and most of the trees have lost their vibrant leaves. Today Ms. O and I took a walk along this trail and I felt an urgency to capture the last vestiges of a spectacular season.  I regret that I didnot take some shots sooner, but I've been in a bit of fugue and haven't felt much like taking photographs.  Today I decided it was time to look out and around, and to capture the remaining days I'll be on the mainland.

Today is also the day of some new self-care beginnings.  It is time to determine what aspects of my health and body I can improve and what aspects need to be accepted as a reality that cannot change or improve.  It is a harsh truth that I have been denying and ignoring, neglecting, actually.  No miracle is one is coming; ignoring reality is not going to change anything.  Only I have the power to change what can be changed; to accept that which needs to be accepted, with grace and an open heart.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10.

Are You Happy?

This week I decided to forego attending a business trip with my beloved husband and, instead, indulge myself with some time to relax, regroup, restore.  It was a wonderful choice because of the time I spent with my nearest and dearest friends.

Nurturing friendships poses a challenge for me because of our travel schedule and my physical energy limitations.  A few years ago my unavailability (which was perceived as neglect) of a very dear friend resulted in an estrangement that I don't think will ever be healed.  So, I've been cautious about spending time with others, unwilling to open myself up to further hurt and rejection.  Sometimes I think the events  of that time were actually the work of God, pruning my life of relationships that were not bearing fruit.  That sounds harsh, even as I write it, but I still think it could be the truth.  I was overextended, unfocused, available always for others but rarely to myself and my own needs.  A lot of that has changed over the past year or so, particularly since my mother's death.  Life is more deliberate now.  And my heart is healed and happy.

I've been thinking alot of happiness this week as I spent some quality time with these women who bring me joy and laughter.  I have decided that for me, happiness is a choice.  It's a way of percieving what is and deciding to unearth or recognize the joy and contentment that comes from the present moment.  Of course, we can't be immersed in feeling elated 24/7, but more often than not, we can recognize that the fruit of the Spirit includes joy; and it surrounds us constantly.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

Truly . . .time passes so quickly

It seems like it was just a few months ago that I stood at this altar, committing myself, my love, my life, my being, to my husband. It was the most solemn and consecrated moment of my life, for it was the first time I made a commitment with complete deliberation, conscious of the magitude and intention of my words.

There has not been one moment of regret in 18 years, and one day. Not one moment. Every day I take some time to sit in stillness and offer my thanks to God who gifted me in this unimaginable way. My life is truly blessed, a blessing of love that I pray flows out of me and into the deepest soul of each person I encounter.

I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. Psalm 145:1

Recovering . . .

It is such a blessing to be home again, comfortable and feeling like I can manage the small demands of daily life here after a horrible flare-up of fibromyalgia while visiting Vail, Colorado. For two days I was not able to get out of bed without assistance, and then only for the essentials. My hands were swollen and not functioning; I was too unstable to walk; thirst was unquenchable; and I slept 20 hours each day. I have no clue about what exactly happened. Was it the result of airplane travel, too long of a day, too much stress prior to the trip, altitude . . .or all of the above?

It's quite sobering to find oneself at this middle-age time of life, unable to function. To be unable to meet the demands/requests of life; to be a present partner for my husband in his business-related matters. Stunned and scared would best describe how I felt; grateful and safe is how I feel now, at home, safe and sound next to my small, beloved Opal. She looks at me with compassion and beseeches me to play ball, to go for a walk, to rub her tiny belly.

The questions are rolling around in my head: 'what do I do about this health challenge? How do I prevent it from ever happening again? What do I need to do to restore/renew myself?'

I sit, quietly, awaiting direction.

Spaciousness . . .

For our first 4th of July as "real" residents of Kauai, we were invited to join our friends Stephanie and Tommy, and their extended family, for a day of celebration at the beach. We arrived at a secret spot (the location of which shall never be revealed) to find a huge tent erected, covering a spread of tasty food that only a Sicilian family could create.
I've already learned that beaches each has its own charms. This one has a natural rock-enclosed shallow swimming area. Perfect for me since I like to touch the sandy bottom of the ocean and also look through the clear water to see who lives around me and who wants to check me out (i.e., white sharks, jellyfish, etc.). Beyond the rock wall is where the mystery starts. The waves crash over, forming small waterfalls in the rocks, and the blue water seems to go without end. This reminds me of the unbounding love of God that always surrounds us. A love without a boundary, a love with depth and breadth that is impossible to fathom.
Sometimes we splash around in the shallow warm water of our spiritual lives, making sure our feet our on the ground and carefully watching out for anticipated dangers. Other times we climb over the rock walls to explore the deep places, to be encountered and surprised and held in an embrace that changes from second to second. Yet we can never reach the edges of that love: the horizon is always before us, inviting us to trust that Love has no end. It is timeless and unbounded.

Dreams do come true . . .

Yes, it's true; dreams do come true. This photo symbolizes living proof of that. For several years my beloved and I have contemplated moving to the island of Kauai. Now that dream has become a reality. We have purchased our retirement home in a beautiful, sleepy neighborhood

in the mountains. From our front windows we can see the ocean surf of Poipu beach; from our back windows, the lush valley that supports Black Mountain. Green and blue abounds, along with the early-morning crows of roosters that wake us each up with a rueful grin.

The sunshine abounds, along with trade winds and frequent rain showers that are sometimes breathtakingly ferocious, and at others times misty and as soothing as a morning shower. The weather blows through, changing from moment-to-moment. It reminds me of our inner worlds where feelings come and go, sometimes catching us by surprise by how quickly they arrive without much provocation; and, at other times, building slowly like a interior house of resentment built from bricks and cement: a structure that traps our energy, slows us down, and causes us to miss what is around us because we are so focused on the hurt, disbelief, or pain within.

Living here, I imagine, is going to teach me many lessons about feelings; about healing the body, mind, and soul; about living consciously in the fresh immediacy of life with arms spread wide and a heart opened to it all, knowing that it only lasts a moment and then moves past us. "Don't hang on," the wind reminds me . . . "let is pass into what is next and be amazed at what is before you."

Lilacs, emerging

Emergence.

I like the sound of the word. Webster advises that it's an intransitive verb: it does not need an object. I like that, too. It signifies autonomy, indepence, a freedom in the volition to become present or to be seen.

Emergence: to rise from or as if from immersion: Sea mammals must emerge periodically to breathe; To come forth from obscurity: new leaders who may emerge.; To become evident: The truth emerged at the inquest; To come into existence.

At this age in adulthood, can one still be on the precipe of emerging? I think so, for that is where I find myself: ready to breathe again, in a new way . . . from a large sense of freedom. I have felt immersed in a life filled with demands that were neither of my own choosing, nor aligned with my innate gifts. And I am emerging from that . . .looking around after spending so many years looking within.